I haven’t posted for a while as I’ve been visiting family in the UK, leaving my beloved furry children in the capable hands of a cat-sitter.

Family in the UK also includes my mother’s three year old mog, Dylan. When it comes to cats, my mother is one of those people who “judges a book by its cover”. And as a long-haired fluffy tabby cat (with, I’m convinced, Maine Coon ancestry) Dylan is one beautiful cover indeed. But don’t be taken in by the beautiful facade, for behind his perfectly symmetrical furry face lurks a ruthless savage waiting to clamp down on any human hand that comes within 2 feet of his person.  When Dylan bites, he bites through to the bone and engages your entire forearm in a death-grip designed to tear the limbs off anyone that tries to escape (much like a crocodile).  If you pick him up, he will apply the same manoeuvre to your neck.

My poor mother spent hours trawling through websites to try and find a solution to Dylan’s ultra-violence, took him to numerous vets and even consulted an animal psychologist…all to no avail. It wasn’t until we discovered that Dylan had a deeply-entrenched secret that he was hiding from the rest of the family, that we finally began to understand the reasons behind him acting out.

Dylan is a homosexual (we should’ve guessed really from his predilection for Village People-esque headwear…see above) and engaged in a tumultuous relationship with an ex stud cat from over the road. The homosexuality in itself isn’t the big issue but the fact that our neighbours took it unto themselves to record a series of video clips on their mobile phones of Dylan and their ex-stud cat engaging in lewd acts for the viewing pleasure of their other family members, is disturbing to the extreme!

So while they’re in fits of giggles over the recorded footage of Dylan sodomising their pet, the poor cat is on the verge of a nervous breakdown for having been outed so publicly. Not to mention that the video could at any time be uploaded to the internet, turning Dylan into some kind of gay, cat version of Kim Kardashian! It’s really not surprising he hates humans so much!